September Edit

wall art | Coffee & Tea Collective | North Park, San Diego, CA
It was still September 2 days ago, the busiest month of my year by far mostly because the tail end of summer and the beginning of Fall marks convention season. I'm yet to know why yet but different industries just seem to convene around this time. Today and tomorrow are my days off (praise Jesus for my generous boss). After a full week of working at the Hyatt downtown (meetings, moving boxes, scanning badges, day after day of interacting with people), this introvert is ready for some down time.

Thought Vomits 9/20


I like concrete, tall buildings, and a bit of cloudy gloom even though the place I call home is laden with beaches beneath sunny skies. I enjoy the company of silence and solitude even though my current trade entails attending large group gatherings. Small talk would have been the death of me, until hello how are you, I’m fine how about yourself broke down walls and taught me how to listen better. I call myself an introvert until the four letter types became self-imposed limits.

My skin is stretching in more ways than one. Aging and time are peculiar things.

I prefer pancakes over waffles, coffee over tea, and the old soul in me likes classic over contemporary music.  I would rather wear neutrals than be clothed in color and loud prints. My inner life can be tumultuous, and I would metaphorically run away to cope, but I now face fear head on. I name it, confront it, and pray to the God I love until it melts away.

Many of life’s problems have solutions. Jumping off a bridge is not one of them.

I am not sports-crazed but I enjoy the thrill of watching American football on a 70-inch plasma television, your window to the world. I'm easing my way into the habit of reading. There was a time when I spent more hours reading books than being held captive by the screen glow of my devices. I like to say I’m a writer but I say this to no one in particular.

I need to write to keep my sanity. I need to write to process deeply.

I feel nauseated when I scroll through the infinite time-suck that is social media, avoiding it as best I can to avoid the comparison trap. I hate that I am constantly inconsistent. All I want is a steady routine but I am a creature of process, often not in linear fashion but more cyclical.

There are days when I feel like I am not a good enough wife, daughter, friend. I have one soul. I am whole. I want to give fully.

Another 100 Day Project Update (Hint: It's Parked)

Houston, March 2017
***I took that photo above just a little over 6 months ago. Pray for Houston and give as much as you can.  The organization I work for is raising funds for housing needs there. You can support by donating here.***

Blog projects are the bane of my existence. I'm pretty good at starting things until the flame of excitement fizzles out after a few posts. But you know what? That's okay.

I actually reached Day 28. That's 28 days of typing furiously on my phone, not letting any word escape me in the middle of the night. That's nearly a month's worth of writing in my journal, recalling the day, listing things I'm grateful for and areas of weakness where I need extra grace. I started with Day Zero and I had written daily for 28 days. The project would have been completed sometime this month.

There are teaching moments in EVERYTHING and if they're not immediately obvious, I look for them (I blame it on my Learner tendencies). The lesson here is that when projects get parked, what matters is that you tried. Not all projects see the light of completion; many return to gestate only to be revived, improved, or scrapped altogether. The process matters as much as the results but some days the world will tell you that not getting results equals failure.

My 100 Day Project was a lofty goal. In between the complete pages and drafts, transitioning from part time to full time work happened. Our 2016 Corolla reached its first 10,000 miles signifying our accumulation of experience over the past few months. There was an increase in responsibilities at church. I've been inspired to pursue my husband more than when we first got married. No doubt there's been more to write about, but I just let myself get lost (or rather be found?) in those daily moments. This is the resulting beauty of choosing to intentionally record my day--it forced me to observe so I don't miss the details. Some days I was able to record it, some days I just took a photo, often I just relish the events with my husband and the people that matter to me.

Granted there was lack of planning on my part and as much as I love to plan, I often fail to do that for my blog projects (and Whole30, but that's another story). But 28 days isn't bad, right?

So here's to more projects that are worth starting and trying. However it turns out, there is always something to be gained.

Days 14-25: Of Tattoos, Symphonies, and Hormones

At the Copley Symphony Hall

Day 14 (7/17)
My first tattoo is that of a Hebrew word that translates to “steadfastness.”
I chose this word for its breadth of meaning, as is common in Biblical Hebrew. Simply translated, it is “faith” but it carries with it a deeper sense of steadfastness than mere assent to facts. It is faith that persists and acted upon in trust. It is not simply saying “I believe you” but it’s more like “I believe /in/ you.”  And if there is trust, then it should be evident in my behavior. To me, it was more about the faithfulness of God more than my own.

/firmness, steadfastness/

To be honest, I got the tattoo because it was trendy at the time for Christians to get Hebrew tattoos on their wrists. I can’t make this stuff up. Then I saw this as an opportunity to connect with people who 1) have a negative view of Christians or 2) wouldn’t step inside a church. I have a tendency to be impulsive but as numerous stories of regrettable tattoos suggest, impulsiveness with something so permanent would be unwise. The tattoo makes for good conversation starters and a way for me to let people know that I follow Jesus without being sounding heavy-handed. It became a way for me to say that the faithfulness there isn't so much my devotion to God as it is God's faithfulness in my life.

The beautiful thing about tattoos is that they can take on different meanings as time goes by—today this tattoo also acts as a second wedding ring, as my husband puts it. Another meaning of emunah is fidelity. This is us committing our lives to one another and because marriage is a picture of Christ and the Church, the

Day 15 (7/18)
My experiences with grief are few and far between. I can count three aunts, one grandparent, one of my friends’ mom, an old uncle.  I wrote about the girl from my high school class who recently passed away. This person has left such an impact in many people’s lives that even though we weren’t close, the loss is palpable. If I’m sitting here at work, distracted at the thought of her, I can only imagine the level of hurt that those nearest to her are feeling at the moment.

Last night I thought, here I am ending another day and Lord willing, beginning a new one tomorrow. She won’t have this and that’s really, really sad.

Day 16 (7/19)

I stole a tattoo idea from Pinterest but it was the perfect image to capture where I was in life at that moment. C and I lived in the mountains  for our first year of marriage. We lived in our first apartment (B-202), and I studied while he taught English to Asian seminarians. Our time in the mountains will not be duplicated and you could say we lived the dream. But now that we’re living more “normal” lives,  I have to be careful not to think that life is less exciting.
——
Baguio City is highly urban and yet surrounded by nature. In some way, the existence of Baguio could be seen as a violation of nature itself, flattening land and killing numerous trees to make way for commercial and residential spaces. But this is the world we live in now. We can try to slow down what is inevitable.

Day 17 (7/20)
New books have arrived!

I am not where I used to be in terms of reading. I miss the days when I had to read a minimum of 10 books to write a paper, on subjects that I’m thoroughly fascinated with. But I have to admit, I’ve just gotten good at making excuses for not reading enough. There’s plenty of opportunity to insert reading into my day if only 1) I would use my phone less and 2) I make reading manageable by setting goals. I’ve learned that a good way to get back into the habit is picking a relatively easy read so you’re less likely to give up. For me, that book is Welcome to Night Vale by the creators of the popular podcast. On the opposite end of the spectrum is House of Leaves, a dense and multi-format beast of a book that I’m reading with my childhood best friend. Maybe, just maybe, if I finish the latter, I’ll be able to tell if I can finish David Foster Wallace’s magnum opus Infinite Jest.



Day 18 (7/21)
It’s just one of those weeks when I have a lot of words but not enough energy to write them down. It’s the end of the week and I’m craving red wine. Sticking with white for now.

Day 19 (7/22)
Today is one for the books. C and I bought advanced tickets to watch the San Diego Symphony play the music of John Williams! Being subscribed to the symphony’s mailing list paid off as we were able to find out about the event as soon as it was announced, and we ended up getting good chairs. We both love John Williams and the movies he scored. Here is today’s lineup of themes:
Hedwig’s Theme from Harry Potter
Hook
E.T.
Close Encounters of the Third Kind
Jaws (only 2 notes but it’s so good!)
Jurassic Park
Indiana Jones

The second half of the concert was made up of the Star Wars orchestral suite and it. was. awesome.

Rey’s Theme
Scherzo for X-Wings
Main Theme (!!!)
Princess Leia’s Theme
Imperial March (!!!)
Yoda’s Theme
The Throne Room

Encore: Superman Theme

C and I waiting for the symphony to start!



Day 20 (7/23)
It was our first Sunday at the South congregation, the start of a 3-month long stint. Everyone’s love was warmer  and their smiles brighter than the sunshine outside the chapel. Seriously, these people were aglow when they saw us. We were overwhelmed by the South family’s kindness and their passion for the Lord is infectious. We got to know the small group of youth that gather every morning before the service for Sunday school, which C and I will be leading over the next few weeks.

Pray for us during this special time of ministry and for wisdom moving forward!

Day 21 (7/24)
For all the ladies out there, have you heard of this app called Hormone Horoscope? I know, the horoscope part sounds sketchy but trust me when I say it’s actually really helpful. Lately I’ve had this increased fascination with hormones and how it affects my mood, energy levels, and focus. This curiosity was further roused when I read The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine. Since being diagnosed with polycystic ovaries when I was 17, I’ve also done a bit of reading about the female hormonal cycle but reading the book made me realize how much it affected my day-to-day.
As a result of this research, I ended up finding the Hormone Horoscope app to help me predict what I might feel on a certain day in my cycle. Most days, it’s really accurate. The app has given me suggestions on how to improve my mood and work with my current brain state instead of fighting it. Some may see the ups and downs of hormones as a curse but I love how intricately God has designed us, male and female alike.

Day 22 (7/25)
Feeling antsy today about a decision but hey, I have a great boss who follows God. In a way, it makes my life so much easier but at the same time, having a Christian for a boss motivates me to perform at work better. Why? Because we hold ourselves to higher standards. We are not only accountable to each other, to our higher-ups, and to our peers. Ultimately, we are accountable to God. Are we loving him and our neighbor at work? Are we pursuing excellence so that no one may say that we are lazy and incompetent? Are we using our gifts fully for his glory? Are we seeking him and relying on him instead of our own strength and creativity? Are we pursuing holiness? I’m so grateful that our church’s theme this year is Faith at Work to help me keep these questions in the back of my mind.

Day 23 (7/26)
My husband is so supportive. I appreciate him being a sounding board. For today’s writing, I want to leave you with a reminder: Find your “safe” people so you can ask for their feedback, and they will tell you the truth in love. But you know what? I think the irony there is that it takes a great amount of vulnerability to know who these people are. To find your safe people, you yourself have to be a safe person for someone else.
There has to be an exchange but man, it can get scary or tiring. All relationships are like that, but the “return on investment” is immense.

Day 24 (7/27)
I’m flying out to San Francisco tomorrow with my boss and I’m a bit anxious. This tends to happen when I wallow in self-doubt, when I question my place at work and wonder at whether I’m good enough. In these moments, God speaks through all the noise in my heart, gently reminding me that His strength is made perfect in my weakness.

Day 25 (7/28)
San Francisco Bound, surrounded by great leaders who are just so unbelievably committed to the mission. They are what it looks like to fully give yourself.

An Update on my 100 Day Project

Friends! There's been a lot to write about and I've been doing it in my iPhone Notes, the Bear app on my Mac, and good old pen and paper. There have been days in the last week or so when I would just write down a sentence and expand later on. A couple of lessons learned: try to be more organized the next time I do this. It's been an eventful past couple of weeks but I plan to post some of the days over the weekend :)

Latest Instagrams

© PATRICIA VICTA. Design by Fearne.